VenuG Presents : Khachedu Rap, Autobiography of Havaldar Khachedu Singh Tokas, Head Constable, Delhi Police, Belt No 420, Mobile Number 09 420 420 420

#VenuSong #Humour in Haryanvi Khachedu Rap.
For a #StandUp Act. :)

Who is Havaldar Khachedu Singh Tokas
This is his Autobiography
It Came from Here....
link
Here is my Act
Khachedu Rap
हिँदी में समझ आवेगा साळों...
अर्रे साळों मेरी बात
जरा ध्याण से सुणजो
गा र्या मैं जो गाणा
ईश्या खचेडू रेप यो
सारी दिल्ली के
खोमचे, ठेले, ट्रक या बस,
मन्ने ज़ाणें याऱों
इस नाम से
खचेडू सिंग टोक्कस!
सुण जो...
आँहाँ
खचेडू रैप यो
हम्भै....
सुण जो
खचेडू रैप यो
ओ या...
तू ज़ाणता नहीँ कै
कौण स्सै म्हारा बाप
उणका नाम से म्हिंद्दर टोत्कस
स्सै मुनीरका का साब..
म्हारे गाँव की खज़ाण सिंग
ल्याया तैराकी मे कप्प,
र्रै सारे जाट्टों में
ज़ाणा जाए
म्हारा टोक्कस खप्प!
ओ या
सुण जो
खचेडू रैप यो
आँहा आँहा
म्हारा वल्द जी
ज़ाणा जाए
मान्नेसर का बाण
म्हारा भाई रजत टोक्कस
पृथ्वी राज चौहाण
म्हारे गाम का स्यूँ मै जी
अक ही कट पीस
अरेरै दिल्ली पुलिस मैं
म्हारी बैळ्ट ४२०
हम्भै
सुण जो
रेरै र्रै
खचेडू रैप
सारी खप का
गाँम मै जाट्टों का
मै ही हीरो
काम पड्डे तो एस एम एस <हैल्प>
सैण्ड टू +९१ ९ ४२० ४२० ४२०
सारी दिल्ली पुलिस मे
मै ही ईक बँदा
म्हारेरै एरिये मैं
हो णा सक्कै
गोरख धँधा
भाग जाए देख कर
चोर डाक्कू गुण्डा
जब्ब देख्या मन्ने
धुम्मात्ते हुऐ पुलिस का डँडा
रै हाँज्जी
सुण जो
सार्ये गाणज्जी
खचेडू रैप
म्हारा दफ्तर ना गाड्डी
ना जी कुर्सी-टेब्बळ
काम रोड मास्ट्री
औदा हैड काँस्टेबल
चीहूँ ना ३०३,
पिस्टल या कट्टा
खाली लट्ठ चलाके तोडूँ
देसी दारू का भट्टा.
म्हारी माँ को नाम
श्रीमती तस्बीरी
जिस्णे बचपन माईँ
खिल्यायो मन्ने
दूध घी पणजीरी
हाणजिजी
सुण जो
हम्भै
खचेडू रैप
हफ्ते-हफ्ते
आवै गाँम सै
गुड, चणा घी गन्ना
म्हारी मसल बॉड्डी
देख डरे तेजिँदर खन्ना
डॉन, नेता, माफिया
डरे मुझसै बावळी-बूच
देख म्हारै गोरे मुँह
पै काळी बड्डी मूँछ
ज्जे बात
सुण जो
जै गँगनाथ
खचेडू रैप यो
सारे एन सी आर से आँवे
मन्ने ढेर एश टी डी काल
म्हँ ना डरूँ आए डीक्टर शीला
अरविँद या लोकपाल
म्हारा ईलाक्का धौळा कुआँ
से गुडगाँवाँ टॉल प्लाज्जा
रोज रात खाऊँ
करीम पै पनीर दो प्याज्जा
कभी काम पडे तो
मन्ने फोन बजा
थोडे पीस्से लेके
कम करवा दूँ थारी सज्जा.
हम्भै
सुण जो
के सुणी
खचेडू रैप.
भाया लुगाई स्यूँ
मन्ने बड्डा खतरा
जोरदार डाँट लगाए
बीको नाम सँतरा
बेट्टी सुशीला ने
महुँ ना दिलाउँ फोन-बीन
छोरा जोरावर ने खाने ना दूँ
कद्दी चाऊ-मीन
भाया
सुण जो
औ या
खचेडू रैप
ईब हो ग्या खत्तम
के पाड लेग्गा म्हारा
बावळी बूच

कलकत्ता
दिनाँक २३ अगस्त, सन २०१४

How did The CAG Mr Vinod Rai arrive at the loss of Ra 1.68 lakh crores for Coalgate & Ra 1.77 lakh crores for 2G ? A Mystery

THIS is my Facebook status at this very moment !!! in full reproduced here

words in BOLD added in this blog
Weekend Homework for Weakened Spirits
&
Weak Kneed Students
&
We Need Scientists
&
Wynad Arrack/Chaarayam (Kallu ) Drinkers
from
Gods Own Country Liquor

My Links on the subject

My Google search RESULT

CAG: Hole in exchequer LINK

CAG has overstepped its constitutional mandate LINK
Vinod Rai on wikipedia
CAG report on Coal Blocks DIAL on Thursday LINK
CAG Vinod Rai An Accountant who's calling government to account LINK
A watchdog does more harm to the government than the opposition LINK
Congress defends allotment of Coal Blocks, Slams CAG LINK
Can anyone challenge the CAG ? LINK
Where Donkeys Fly by Surjeet Bhalla ROFL Don't miss this will help the geeks design the calculator to Suit Mr Vinod Rai and his ilk LINK
CORRIGENDUM  : The figure indicated by CAG is Ra 1,86,000 crores & NOT Ra 1,68,000 crore as mentioned in my Facebook status 
Further the figures were revised from Ra 55,000 crores to Ra 10.7 lakh crores to Ra 1.86 lakh crores. 

Kaisa Tera Dhoka

Kaisa Tera Pyaar

Tera  e-portional Atyaachaar

Dirty Talk

Dirty Talk

 An attempt at Dual Meaning Word Play 

Use of English language

How to use words to give two meanings

HUMOUR

By

K. Venugopal Menon

Also known a VenuG

And

http://twitter.com/Venuspeak

@Venuspeak

Written extempore on twitter using hash tag #DirtyMorningAblutions

On

Monday, March 19, 2012

At

Kolkata/Calcutta , India (CCU)

Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiling

READ THIS in a fast mode

Feel like having Pot.. 

Cm on Baybey , Let me take you all into my mouth

I have all bristles & hair between my teeth ...

Mmm you smell so Goood 

The mouths full of white foam..

Its so HARD ...

Oh! Now I have Froth & bubbled white gooey liquid all o'er my face now.. 
Awww I’m so Hawt..

Why does it take so many buttons to get NAKED!

Let Me TURN YOU ON NOW :D

Awwww I'm so Wet now..

Oh Baybey Mmm it feels so Goood..

Mmm Keeeeeep it coming Baybeh ...

I feel like I totally spent..

Awwww I wanna you Rub all over me Honey..

Oooo its so Biggg...

I want all of you ON me all at once..

I'm dripping..  

 

  

Now read the same lines

With explanation in the next line

BuaHaHaHa

Keep Laughing

The First line is as above

The Second being what action it indicates

Feel like having Pot..

I need to use the WC really !

Cm on Baybey , Let me take you all into my mouth 

I take the toothbrush into my mouth

Mmm you smell so Goood  

The toothpaste smells like peppermint

I have all bristles & hair between my teeth ...

When I brush my teeth with a nylon toothbrush !

The mouths full of white foam..

With Colgate Toothpaste of course :D

  

Its so HARD...

My 2 day old stubble you perverts J

 

Oh! Now I have Froth & bubbled white gooey liquid all o'er my face now..

Its actually The Old Spice Shaving Foam Damnit !

Awww I’m so Hawt..

It’s the month of March & in   Calcutta.. Summer has really begun :-)

   

Why does it take so many buttons to get NAKED!

Since I'm getting LATE I need to take off my clothes in a hurry you see J

Let Me TURN YOU ON NOW :D

The Shower Knob Bwahaha

Awwww I'm so Wet now..

As I’m now, Under the shower what else :p

Oh Baybey Mmm it feels so Goood..

The Cool Shower sprinkle

Mmm Keeeeeep the Golden Misty Rain coming Baybeh ...

The Shower drizzle

I feel like I totally spent..

Totally about Half an hour time in the Bath

Awwww I wanna you Rub all over me Honey..

Now I’m talking, To my Turkish Bath Towel

 

Oooo its so Biggg...

The Brut Musk Deodorant Canister

I want all of you ON me all at once..

I want now, to Quickly put on clothes :D

 

I'm dripping sssssssssssoooooooo much sweetheart..

Water dripping from hair after a bath

 

  Hope you liked it 

If you do

Please Comment

If you don't

Please Comment

THANK YOU

Good Night 

 

  

Mettalica Concert Called off due to chaos in Gurgaon So Bangluru Metal Heads Vokkaligas get together with #Beatless 4 Naga

Metallica~F1 Rocks~Rock India

Nothing else matters by Metallica with Lyrics

Link for another video with visuals Nothing Else Matters Official Video

Metallica concert postponed, angry fans trash equipment 

LATEST UPDATES ON METALLICA TOUR OF INDIA 

SONG


**** 
Beatless 4 Naga 
****

Written by VenuG


On Twitter,  on 28th October 2011 
using hashtag #Beatless

When #Beatless became top twitter trend world wide #TT

Tuned on the melody of

Nickelback's 

Famous song
Hey Hey I wanna be a Rockstar :-)



Keep Laughing  

¥enjoy 

 

1
*I'm Vokkaligga in a Band named Mettaligga*
*I have Bass guitar that is Gaga*
*Have no Bass drum Playa Nigga*
*called #Beatless 4 Naga*
2
*You gonna hear no words*
*just the chirps of birds*
*The Lead Guitarist is Fatty Surd*
 We are from Mawana Khurd*
* called #Beatless 4 Naga*
3
*We gaat a Manager*
*whose name is Tony*
*We do our shows sitting on a Pony*
*There's no melody just cacophony*
*called #Beatless 4 Naga*
4
*We give our fans Hash to Snog*
*They wag their butt like Dog*
*Once they howl bow wow*
*music is like shit of cow*
*called #Beatless 4 Naga*
5
*They keep fighting like thugs*
*And there is Kick Ass Slugfest*
*Dressed in Sindhi boxers*
*Plus Lux Cozy Vest*
*called #Beatless 4 Naga* 

@JoyDas 's Band called * #Beatless 4 Naga * 

VenuG wrote a song 

@srvasn gonna sing search  #Beatless on Twitter

& 

Laugh :-) 

Tune I wanna be a Rockstar by Nickelback !

Goodnight 

Milk Shakes !!! :)

MILK SHAKES !!! 

Yesterday I met Sourav Banerjee a 20 year old Young Dude

Who Shares Birthday with me 

Which is Labour Day i.e. 1st May !

He also is a computer engineering student , a tech geek, an Android / Open Source Fan

an awesome poet-cum-singer-acoustic guitarist-cum-singer. 

He is not only my buddy but also a music protege :)

I'm a friend philosopher cum guide to him. 

I'm 51 & he 20 :) 

His music is available on Reverbnation 

We were at the Oly's Pub hanging out  for a couple of Carlsberg Beer's & Beefsteak 

Now Sourav told me, that he was asked to write a poem on word " Milk Shakes " 

He read out a wonderful, but Mushy romantic poem !!!

Now I'm a Naughty Middle Aged guy, I took up the word as a challenge,

I took out my pen & scribbled in 2 minutes, which Sourav blasted me :=)

He said, VenuG how could you be , so dirty :XD ?

I told him ok lets do a Survey, we went to the Smokers alley  

& found Saptarshi Haldar !

Voila he liked it & Lo beholdd his B'day also was !st May

Now he's my latest fb buddy :=)

Here goes 

....

Milk Shakes

Her was I

On Park Street

The Joint was Magnolia  

I was on my feet

I saw her walking in 

with Dahlia's

She was Buxom

She was Wild

Her eyes were

as innocent as a child

2 Strawberry Milk Shakes !!!

She Ordered :=)

at the spur of the moment

I felt her

as though She

was a Meat Loaf Of Bread

My eyes fixated at her Bosom

She was Hhhottt

She had not

So Heavy 

a Bottom :=)

My X-Ray eyes

Broke the ice

I said Hullo !!! over the cell phone

She siad, Hey Dude '

I'm all alone !!!

the 2nd one 

WAS FOR YOU :=))

 Can we spend together,

a moment or 2 ??? 

I told her I could !

But together I would !

Not only have

Milk Shake

But I'm more interested,

The Way,

YOUR MILK SHAKES

GREAT SHAKES

Kolkata

July 25th 2011

written on challenge of Sourav Banerjee

@ Oly's Pub, Kolkata

Keep Laughing

Keep Smiling

Yenjoy 

 

 

 

 

A stitch in time saves nine...A real story how I got the point across this is ha ha ha like my buddy Pramod Gupta would end ...

We were three trainers @our Training Center in Delhi.

We were told, before our core banking platform roll out, 

Our attenders(office boys all aged 50+) be re-oriented. 

This was Delhi, the guys were originally from Delhi hinterland, up, Haryana, Punjab and Garhwal & Uttar Pradesh

All were just 8th class pass & mental level / IQ was rustic & low. 

Now on the third day, The Principal of the Training Center, who, a learned man, an MBA & Doctorate in English.

So it was naturally left to him, to take the English phrases and idioms class. 

He chose among many the phrases

 'A stitch in time saves nine'

He tried hard many a time , but failed to to enlighten.

A Hindi faculty member was sounded.

He started with ' kal kare so aaj kar ' but they kept asking 

'sir yo Tanka kade lagya ' ?? 

Now all the faculty used to sit in our bosses class, he enquiringly looked @me. 

I pondered for a minute on number 9, 

called our attender(peon) Basesar Singh and asked him in rustic Haryanvi

" Bhai ,  kitne balak Ssai thaare ? " 

He replied "Saab zee 8'' 

"to Bhai 9 wa kyun Nna Hoya ?"

 "Saab zee Phair Tanka lagwa liya " 

"to yo Tanka gar  is taime ka Tanka Nnaa hota ?

To nauwey bachchey Se Nnaa bachawe thaa Nnaa ?

Hambhey Saab Zee 

So taime ka laga Tanka 9 sey bachaawey

Aagi Baat Samajh Bhai ?

:)) ha ha

Real story of a Class room training

 My Facebook Note dated 20th May 2010

Kolkata

28th June 2011 

My 12 Oaths how to cope with ET That is Economic Times not Extra Terrestrials

TREAT THIS AS HUMOR AND MATURELY NO PERSONAL ATTACKS HERE

Kolkata , Wednesday 11th May 2011

********* A NOTE OF GRATITUDE & MY HUMBLE CHARANSPARSH TO Mr Rakesh Jhunjhuwala @jhunjhunwala on Twitter and Fake Jhunjhunwala on HT Blog who is an inspiration to while I write Humor. So this is my Tribute to the Humble and Very Humorous individual. *******


It all started yesterday morning, after reading two news articles, on the front page of, The ET, now Economic Times. It is a very respected paper, and a necessity for us bankers, to read ET cover to cover. I have been doing that ever since I was 12 years old. I respect the paper, but have my own way of reading it, analyzing and using information selectively . If YOU READ ET without using brain at times it can me misleading, in our day to day decision making. I understand, the main revenue to run a newspaper comes from advertisements, Hence I don't detest or Hate ET.

So here are the 12 tweets all written instantly and ex-tempore, within one hour,

NOTE:** TIME STAMPS GIVEN AS A PROOF TO SHOW INSTANT ACTIVITY.

Bwahaha Bwahaha whole day I'd laugh .. Bwahaha

Oath 1 Thou Shalt read Economic Times, 1st thing in the morning to remain happy & laughing .
8:09 AM May 10th via Mobile Web

Oath 2 Thou Shalt keep Economic Times, Handy whenever you're in lousy mood .. Pick it up .. Read any headline & go back to where u were .
8:11 AM May 10th via Mobile Web

Oath 3 Though shalt treat Economic Times, equivalent to Comedy Central , David Letterman .. Jay Leno , Siddhu , Shekhar Suman .
8:13 AM May 10th via Mobile Web

Oath 4 Thou Shalt ask your sister, to take pictures of Bhavans College , Kelvani Mandal , SIES & Rizvi & see it whenever ET prints St Xavier's .
about 24 hours ago via Mobile Web

Oath 5 Though shalt keep pictures, of A priest, moulvi, jain muni & Sikh Granthi whenever Bori Bunder prints Padre Rabbi & Parsi well .
about 24 hours ago via Mobile Web

Oath 6 Thou Shalt Get your friends on Twitter, & #Fb to send you pictures of creative s @ Dhabholkar, Swami ,Mudra see it when ET prints O&M .
about 24 hours ago via Mobile Web


Oath 7 Though shalt Book-Mark, Business Standard, FT & Mint, n change flavour after reading ET .
about 24 hours ago via Mobile Web

Oath 8 Thou shalt always treat ET, as an Ad-Mag & not a newspaper .. Read Ads as news & vice versa .
about 24 hours ago via Mobile Web

Oath 9 Though Shalt Keep articles, on Jamnalal Bajaj , G D Birla , Anandilal Poddar , Dhirubhai Ambani , read them when ET Prints J J Tata .
about 24 hours ago via Mobile Web

Oath 10 On 1st Of every month buy Rasna, Ghadi , Dabur Lal Manjan, Mohun's Cornflakes, Frooty , & only buy Maruti Android Chinese HCL BSNL .
about 24 hours ago via Mobile Web

Oath 11 Though Shall read Rangnekar, Bharatan , R D Singh Follow Mittal Devi Shetty & buy Manforce.. Never Gates , Buffet, Clinton or buy Viagra .
about 24 hours ago via Mobile Web

Oath 12th Man Thou shalt copy paste 11 oaths & make into a Blog & print it & put it up bang opposite your bed Read it before ET :=) .
about 23 hours ago via Mobile Web

OK guys I'm done .. You can diss me troll me curse me fight argue For details read the Morning ET Nano & Apple ET ADS all over again Bwahaha
about 23 hours ago via Mobile Web

I K.Venugopal Menon S/o Late Shri K Balakrishna Menon, by touching, Gita, Sita & Mita solemnly confirm , that I have this 11th day of May , 2011 at Kolkata, complied by all the Oath No's 1 thru 12.

Especially 12 the piece is now Signed Sealed Delivered % framed & Hung , bang opposite my Bed.

VenuG

Keep Smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiling
Good Morning