After avoiding news television , thanks to high decibel debates on TV, especially The NewsHour, via our favourite host Arnab Goswami, my main source of news, became news.Google.co.in , Twitter & print media.
As the year 2013 drew to close, the plethora of POTY, NOTY, TOTY, OOTY, GOTY(Person, News, Technology, Outrage, Geek , of the year 2013) fed up, I decided to give the past, a go by, & decided to blog about the future. Since last night(29-12-2013) even
Twitter failed me, by trending
Alok Nath, without any Lajo jee! For no rhyme or reason, it trended & trended, thanks to @ArvindKejriwal himself tweeting some real news, by saying, that he was skipping first day in Office, also a Monday *winks* because of "Loose
motions" . Then Alok Nath went out of trends. I had sympathy with Arvind Kejriwal, because like he caught the Delhi Belly, I myself had Kolkata E-Koli, *ate some fafda with Rum* (curses Gujus for creating such a savoury!)
Then & there, I decided , let me do some crystal ball gazing, look into the future, what lies in store for us Indians in 2014. Before I do write, what I intend to write, please read
THIS interesting piece of crystal ball gazing, "Reimagining India" by @saliltripathi on @livemint , which, I found funny but hypothetically improbable.
So, here is how, 2014, shall be, for you, dear Indian brothers & sisters.
VenuG Presents: India in 2014.
As he sees it.
The year will start with a bang on 1st January, when both @quizderek & abdullah_Omar would tweet about an offline meet up along with Biman Bose &
Prakash Karat, & that, they all had in unison decided to back @narendramodi Saheb, in his bid at #NaMo4PM & #BJP272 which prompted @ArvindKejriwal to set up a Facebook Fan page to enroll
AAP membership in Kashmir, Tripura, Bengal & Kerala .
The move got quick results with 500000 members joining the page in 1 hour. This forced SP & BSP to assure outside support to Saheb, & all pre-poll surveys, confirm BJP win in Lok Sabha elections. All CITU, SFI & TMC trade unions decided to merge with Bhartiya Majdoor Singh(BMS) & Akhil Bhartiya Vidyarthi Parishad(ABVP) .
They also overnight decided to dye their flags from Red to Saffron, providing additional livelihood to minority community, which promised to vote for NDA.
As per Derek O'Brien, Mamata Didi, like Biryani with Kashmiri Zafraan, (Saffron) & BJP colour is Saffron, so does the Indian Tricolour. As per Omar Abdullah, Kashmir, Iran & BJP have ancient
Cultural relations with The BJP, due to Zafraan, hence National Conference had no other choice, but to support Saheb & BJP.
Hearing this new chain of events, MMS was affected by PMS and immediately put in his papers, stating his wish to work for the Party, and Rahul Gandhi, was anointed as the interim Prime Minister, till the Lok Sabha Elections slated in May 2014. By this move, he entered the Guinness Book of World Records,
Being the 4th person from the same family, to become the head of any democracy.
Post elections following would be the consequences.
The most important consequence would be, in the media, Arnab Goswami, will quit Times Now & join the now aquired by Reliance Aastha Channel to give religious discources, with a new name Arnab Go swami, as prompted by Android autocorrect. With the funds, acquired from Aastha Sale, they would buy Prasar Bharati & its bouquet of Doordarshan Channels, & Baba Ramdev, would be the new Director of Prasar Bharati.
Aakar Patel will finally join Twitter & Facebook, to troll @narendramodi his tweets will be thankfully in Gujarati.
@mediacrooks will take over @Ndtv & start a new show, titled "The Muck Stops Here" with a 5 minute daily segment on how to effectively use screenshots & photoshopping, its most avid viewer would be @BDutt who would now make Photoshop images of Rahul Gandhi's rallies & Modi Saheb & Twitpic them daily from US.
Dr Manmohan Singh , join TimesNow, and be the new Anchor on The NewsHour, to the delight of Narendra Modi Saheb, as the only "Question I am asking Tonight" would be #TheekHai ?
Mani Shanker Aiyer, would join ETNow & talk about "Shauchalaya, Rugnalaya aur Vidyalaya na ki Ramalaya"
Jairam Ramesh & Shashi Tharoor, would be co-anchors.
#BB8 or Big Boss 8 which usually has out of work people, would have Digvijay Singh, Sanjay Jha, Nitish Kumar, Rabri Devi, Yedurayappa & Buddhadeb Dasgupta. Star will have Narendra Modi ka swayamvar, for the first time, the groom will be represented by a 180ft statue, with a webcam & speakerphone, where through which Saheb will interact with the prospective brides.
Sharad Pawar will join BJP, and release new GM Crop, called Amra Vati Saheb, a new variety of Nashik Onion in the shape of reverse lotus, which will be easier to place on Desi Maal Retail outlets, due to its flat base, not only will it be physically steady, but also steady in price, its production could be increased or decreased, according to the election schedules. This will be a revolution in design & quality, as it not make the user shed even a bit of tears, on the contrary, each skin, would carry pictures of Lal Krishna Advani, Shivnath Singh Chauhan, Sushma Swaraj, Arun Jaitley & Murli Manohar Joshi which would shed tears when peeled off, with voice of Smriti Irani saying "Saheb Thai Gayu" on every skin being peeled. The centre most pod would be a Narendra Modi statue, standing like Swami Vivekananda and saying Jai Sri Krishna. This Kinda, will be a world wide hit, making Narendra Modi a much sought after world leader. The statue will release a laughter gas making the Onion user laugh, every time they peeled or cut an onion.
During elections in UP, Akhilesh Yadav, will write to Election Commission , to ban the use of word "AAP" in Lucknow, & AAM(mangoes) in UP, till the end of Lok Sabha elections, as it would help AAP (AAM Aadmi Party) in getting votes. EC will ban both, till the end of Elections, resulting in fall of Mango prices, making Mango cultivators across India vote for AAP. All the Gujratis would vote for AAP for making Apus (Alphonso ) Mango cheaper.
Rahul Gandhi, will start a new firm, manufacturing paper shredders, as a forward integration process, to process, all the papers, acts, bills & commission reports, & supreme court decisions he tore, in run up to the elections.
Sonia Gandhi, would start Hindi Speaking classes, for Italians, in India, as Hindi would be the new language for business communication.
Advertisement industry, would find innovative ways of inserting brands, into Bollywood item number songs, as all channels, would only show Saheb's speeches now.
LIFW, shall have Anita Dongre, Rajesh Pratap Singh, J J Vallaya, Kallol Datta, Meera & Muzaffer Ali, Gudda(our Rohit Bal
No?) Tarun Tahliani, Ritu Kumar & Bhairavi Jaikishan do lines called, Saffron, Zafraan, Crocus, Orange, Kesar, Kesariya, Basanti, Orange & Ochre. Osho & Nagpur Orange Growers Association will sue, stating infringemenet of livelihood & Kashmir Saffron Nexus would issue threat to blowup the ramp. Amit Shah, the new minister for Indian Culture, will promptly ban all the three oorganisations. Prompting Shobha De to write in Times of India, how she would love to hug Amit "Bhai" .
Amul will bring a new topical everyday, with only one subject, Modi Saheb, with the punchline now as utterly modify delicious Amul.
A Dumka startup(its in Jharkhand) funded by Mahi Dhoni, would create a Twitter App, which would sort your follower list on Right Wing Hindu, Sickular & Jhadu ki Jhappi leanings, and put them into separate lists.
Bollywood, will start a new co-branding concept, where, when you buy a ticket for a 300+ Crores blockbuster, you would get 2 Free tickets to two new small films, financed by Amir Khan, Kiran Rap, Anurag Kashyap, Uday Chopra or Karan Johar.
There would be a new breed of film critic PR professionals, who would write negative press reviews of films, likely to break the 300+ Crores mark at the box office.
Music Bands will make controversial statements, at youth festival gigs, to promote the college fest.
Dabur, will come up with a cheaper new Chinese Groundnut flavoured Honey, with brand name "Yo Yo Honey Singh"
Khap Panchayat will set up research centres, around the country, to identify, foods & gadgets, due to which sex drive in youth goes up, resulting crime against women.
Indian Mothers would stop idolising Sons & Mothers-in-law their greed for Khandan Aagey Chalane waali nishani.
India will become a 3rd World 3rd Grade country to live in.
VenuG WILL STOP WRITING BLOGS & POEMS & SONGS. Quit Twitter & Facebook.
#StoPress
Between writing this blog
Narendra Modi has been mentioned in past tense, with a
hashtag #NaMoIn2013
Meh!!!
So that's what my Crystal Ball tells me dear Indians!!!
PS:I bought the Chinese Crystal Ball from a low grade market, selling goods made by USA(Ulhasnagar Sindhi Association)
Since none of the above is possible or plausible, I'm sure all you Indians, would have a Hot, Happening & Rocking New Year.
Some traces of Diarrhoea still left in me, but cured of my mental diarrhoea :)
Happy New Year 2014
Happy New Year dear Indians.
Be as positive as +VenuG
And keep smiling,
May the year bring
365 days of hope,
8820 hours of Smiles,
529200 minutes of dreams,
&
31752000 seconds of Laughter.
¥enjoy
Happy New Year 2014.
