Monday, July 16, 2012

VenuG Film Gags Present: Steve Jobs in Tears in Heaven : Thinks Heaven Looks like Silicon Valley, San Jose or Southhall

This post is a work of fiction
Any characther resemblance to any person
is purely a coincidence
Please Read the Offer Document
Carefully before investing
Iti Vartaha

VenuG Film Gags
Tears In Heaven
A fictional Film
In Lead 
*prefix LATE before every name acting in this film*
Charachters in the Lead Role, Male: Steve Jobs
Other Artistes: Whitney Houston, Graham Bell,
Jim Morrison of The Doors
Shammi Kapoor
Sri Sathya Sai Baba
Jagjit Singh
Mehdi Hassan
Mansur Ali Khan Pataudi
Dev Anand
fighting & Winning his 201st Wrestling Bout
Sri Hanuman
Dara Singh
Music By Eric Clapton
Script Inspirred by & Dedicated to
Apple Fanboys & Fangirls


  Shree Androidaya Namaha

                           This is a dream I had last night, as I slept after a tiring day.....

                                                 Steve Jobs was sitting on a Rock in Heaven , looking at the Galaxy, this is Heaven okay, No Samsung Galaxy SI SII or SIII. There are no smartphones in heaven, not even chinese Megio ones, nor Micromax or Karbonn,  kind of lost and dazed. there was no Electricity, No Cars, No Air Conditioners , No Penthouses, No LCD's and he was kind of looking damn bored. suddenly he said ...

  Late Steve Jobs was pondering like this
Late Steve Jobs pondering.following quote of his!

A lot of People have chosen to downsize, and maybe that was the right thing for them. We chose a different path. Our belief was that if we kept putting great products in front of customers, they would continue to open their wallets. QUOTE

 Jobs:                       Man, its me who said that, and it is ME who has downsized, Aw shucks! Wasn't this once said by me God, well that is exactly what has happened to me , God I don't even have a Staedtler Pencils !! Aw Shucks what could I do ?
Staedtler Pencils

Then he found an Angel taking a stroll with her Baby,

Jobs : Lady, I've seen you somewhere, Oh Ya at the Grammy's aren't you those Soul n R&B singer, who acted in a movie, with that white Guy, who makes movies that Bomb at the Box Office. You sang that song I always something, it was on my iPod, I'm sorry , They took everything, when they buried me, no iPod, no iPhone, no iPad not even an effing iMac. I told em, hey guys, Tim , look at the Effing Casket, can Ya smuggle in a Macbook Pro at least. I could use Cloud to sync, now that we can Hmm.?
                       The bugger looked as though, I wasn't there at all :((( Shucks Life sucks at this Place! Lady do you sing, these days?
Late Whitney Houston & daughter Bobby Kristina


 Whitney Houston:                   The Dark Angel " No, Sir, I left my mentor down there, points at the ground, and then there aint no coke/marijuana, how the hell Ahm gonna sing, you white ass. Man, e'en your beard is white, don't ya shave or somethin? Haan ? Loser. Now don't Baather me, That White God with white long Beard, Praise him Lord Jesus, gave me this Bawling baybey to baybey sit, I ne'er even washed Bobbi Kristina's Arse, O Maybe this is some kinda friggin Bobby Browns hatchet Jaab, Haan ? Gawd, Ahm goin MAD, Oh! Cissie Come up Mommy, it wuz you who took care of Bobby Kristina, How the shit am I gonna look after this Brat! Aw, Hey Doode, ya Gat some hash joint or somethin ? Hahn. Aren't you that Moneybag Orphan, who made those tiny cubes which gave me a la sat of money to buy coke?

 Jobs:                   Bored & says    Hey Listen , Dear Lady is there a Lab or Something nearby ? do you know, what I once said ? 
A lot of people in our industry haven't had very diverse experiences. So they don't have enough dots to connect, and they end up with very linear solutions without a broad perspective on the problem. The broader one's understanding of the human experience, the better design we will have.QUOTE
 Jobs:                Well I thinks this place looks like Hell. Hey Dude, he asks a God's Assistant, why are all Roads in this place so Linear ? It is so F***ing Boring  Man! Do you know Buddy I once said .
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. QUOTE

Jobs:    I never thought Karma was a Bitch Man, They said on Earth , Life's a Bitch, I say Death is a Bitch. Can I Bitchslap here ? Anyone around here can tell me ?                       
Graham Bell:                                          God's Assistant slowly whispered into Jobs's ears, Relax Maite,  The god's assistant said, There are no Bitches here Maite, All Bitches are trained before they enter this place, those who don't are asked to Babysit, like that Harlem Chic, you were talking to Maite 

Jobs :                          Jeeps, O ya ya now I know, I once saw you on YouTube, playing some Jazz , from Down Under they said, something like the name of the Guy who invented The Telephone, I'm sorry his name too I can't remember, never went to college you see, But I also made a phone You Ozzie Servant of god!

Late Graham Bell, The Australian Jazz Musician, of 1960's

Jobs:                            You know what I said, when I introduced it to the idiots, who paid me awful lot of money for my screwed up plastic boxes. Winks , you know it was all advertisement, I'm sure, Tim the Sucker Rice, would be pulling his hair, thinking, how to fool, the Smart Indians, because, they are too brainy geeks to fool, they buggers buy chinese stuff, or pirated stuff, copying Ms-Windows Ha Windows. I love Doors. Man how Morrison played the effing guitar Man. You remember what I said Feller ?

Late Jim Morrison of Doors and Amy Hood

Graham Bell:                    Angel: Oh! That American junkie, who breaks guitars ? Oh Lord, has given him right job, he breaks stones, used for laying roads gravel, he keeps pounding the Hammer all day long, serves him right, he was always smashing guitars, and playing loud music. . Maite, Aye can't even remember what yer Did. , O Aye was aity ait , when you started your Bonzer company. An I did live Gigz, my music never sold, except on Vinyls and live shows, with Fosters Owstraylyaan for Beeer.
Foster's Australian for beer.
  Jobs: Getting bored & exasperated at his ignorance about God Geek Chief Creator of Apple Steve *Mofa* Jobs , Okay Dude this is what I said

An iPod, a phone, an internet mobile communicator... these are NOT three separate devices! And we are calling it iPhone! Today Apple is going to reinvent the phone. And here it is. QUOTE

                     Hearing this a FAT PUDGY BEARDED FELLOW , with a lot of rings even in his Dick, he kinda looked like an Indian Sadhu, But his face looked like Elvis Presley, He kinda looked like this
Late Shammi Kapoor

Shammi Kapoor:                         Hey Hey  Hey Ho Ho Ho, hey bearded young man, Did you say iPhone you mean Apple iPhone, By any means, would you have a Mac too ? Man , I left my niece down there, what to do, I loved her so left her, And I left mu Mac too. O she was a darling. My niece gave it to me You know, the Website Yahoo is named after my one time Anthem Love Call. .?

Jobs:                    Hey Hey You Indian Sadhu? Though you look like Elvis Presley, why are you shaking ? You have Malaria ? India has too many mosquito's right ? Hey Sanyasin, do you have any kidney beans in your robe ?

Shammi Kapoor:    Hey you Skeleton American, I have been talking with respect, I am a Big Indian Hero, I used to slap actresses, People loved me when I shook wearing White coats and Black pants you know ?

Shammi Kapoor: Talking about kidney beans, I don't have any Kidney beans, My kidneys also don't function properly. I nearly had a Dialysis a month you know?

Shammi Kapoor: O Sai Baba ji , Kuch dijiye Baba .Baba, Is Gorey firangi ko yeh bhi nahi maloom ki Iski Company ka Pehla Indian Grahak Main hoon, dekho, yahan. ( Holy Soul, this white man  foreigner doesn't even know that , I was his company's 1st Indian customer. ( IT IS TRUE) .

Late Sri Satya Sai Baba 

Don't MISS THISShammi Kapoor Unplugged: I fell in love with something called a computer
 Shammi Kapoor:I fell in love with something called a Computer      Hey Stephen look at this video OK! OK, Stephen, nice meeting you, Dude, in case you need me, tweet to me on twitter, my handle is eh tee tee pee colon slash slash twitter dot com slash shamsherraj

Jobs:                      Hey you guy with the West Indian Hair, you from Miami ? How does this Indian Holy Sadhu know my Name? And you dumb Indian, do you know who I am ? I am the Ex CEO of the worlds biggest technology company! How can I tweet to you? do they have Cell Phones here, OK you smuggled in, but there are no towers, where is Verizon/AOL, How man, you Indians are crazy, like those Indian kids of 14 spelling . and talking of slash and colon, dontcha know, they slashed my stomach and took my colon away :(( It hurt . Ouch! . Well these crazy 14 year old Indian kids spell "guetapens" and "schwarmere" and win the spellingbee Kauntest! see its all here in this link. Open if you have the innernet in the heaven!

Jobs:          Hey hey, Magician what magic do ya show,

Sathya Sai Baba:   I'm a Saint God , not a Magician, you don't know ? Hear take bhibhuti (Ash) , its free for you son,

Jobs: Coughs, what the Eff is that you mad Sansyasin,  don't you know, I am Asthmatic?

Sai Baba : No I didn't! I'm sorry Dude My Sire :(

Jobs: What Kinda Goodman Are you now if you don't know , What diseases Steve Jobs   has. ?

Sai Baba : Has? You are " had been " now, and wait, don't you go on and on about iPhone Wokay, Android has beaten your company after you left it! In the Q2 results Samsung will beat you in smartphones all over the Galaxy see its all here in this link!

Jobs: Dont you ever use the word Galaxy in front of me ! It makes my blood Boil. But, I knew, this was coming actually :p Actually Making Tim the CEO, I was taking a revenge at him :P

Look here is what I said

And it comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don't get on the wrong track or try to do too much. We're always thinking about new markets we could enter, but it's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important. Quote

Jobs                 You see, after seeing your 1st cousin from India's love for iProducts, Heaven is a "new market" No ?  Any VC around Saint ? as you know everything,

Satya Sai Baba: Oh Wait , don't Jump , some Chinese protesters just came from Shenzhen. They were protesting, so the Authorities killed them, i saw them fiddling with chips and sim card. And, Hell Man , These VC's Fat Asses, Money Bag losers rarely die, if they do, they are worthless and 80 , and most of them go to Hell. Haven't heard of any in The heaven. Skeletor, only good worthless people like us come up here. Amybody worth anything worth their weight in Gold go to Hell. Because thats what everyone tells them everyday behind the back "GO TO HELL YOU BUGGER!!!".

Jobs: See THIS is also what I said

And no, we don't know where it will lead. We just know there's something much bigger than any of us here.  Quote
Sathya Sai Baba: Like Big like my Hair ?

Jobs:  Chuckles

And one more thing. Quote

Sathya Sai Baba: Now what? You love to hear your own Voice No ?


           Apple's market share is bigger than BMW's or Mercedes's or Porsche's in the automotive market. What's wrong with being BMW or Mercedes? As individuals, people are inherently good. I have a somewhat more pessimistic view of people in groups. And I remain extremely concerned when I see what's happening in our country, which is in many ways the luckiest place in the world. We don't seem to be excited about making our country a better place for our kids. Quote

Sathya Sai BabaAmercian dumbo, You don't know the power of poor,  what they want, they get it. This is Heaven, even Bihar  is better in comparison, And BWM & Volkswagen are quitting India Ops. know that ? No ? Go get a LIFE. See HERE & Look at the India 4 wheeler sales Data, where is BMW or Mercedes?


Oh! why does this place look like South-hall / Birmingham / San Jose & Silicon Valley put together ?

                                              That is Jagjit Singh & Mehmdi Hassan No ?

                                         The oreintal love poem singers, MoFa's, had a huge sales coming on iTunes, from The Indian subcontinent, that is India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, even Afghanistan, didn't Taliban Ban Music? From Dubai, Oman, Sharjah, Muscat.

                    Along with movie downloads of  Two Fat Men with big Pot Belly and moustache, wearing loin cloth, and they had this strange way of lifting, and tying it around their legs.

And One More thing,

                              Strange accent they had Jeez, they said zee for see, agzent for accent, simbly for simply OMG Rofl :-)

                          Lalettan & Mammooty they were called, from UAE also Jagjit & Mehndoi had downloads, and from Canada or is it Kaneyda ? And Vilayat called Southhall & East london. The Asians have populate even South Pole & Iceland Man !!!

             Then, look there, that Black Fat Man ( P.M Rungta ) he just came day before say 12th July to be exact, lost count of days, no Appointment app you see, is selling Tickets for a cricket Match, He says some prince with 1 stone eye!! Pat or Pataudi he says, is gonna play, he looks like a Royal Dude.

Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected. Quote

                I say none of them deserve here!

Dev Anand Johnny mera Naam , Nahin, Dhishoom
                    Johnny Me..ra .. Dhishoom
                    Joh...ney... Mera.... Naam Nahin  Dhishoom

Late Dev anand in a Pointed Collar Buttoned up 
In Johnny Mera Naam
With Hema Malini

Jobs: Wipes blood of the side of his lips like Prem Chipra, Hey Man chillax, who are you, Not Gregory Peck though, quite similar, why is your collar all buttoned up and still not wearing a tie ? Who the Eff do you think boxing thrice on Stve Jobs Face, A I'm the x-Ceo of the most Valuable American company Apple Inc, and you don't know Barrack Obama yet i think? You know what Obama did to Osama? He protects us Americans, even in Heaven, you know that ?

Dev Anand:De...v Naam hai mera, De...v A....nand, Khubsoo..ra...t Ladkiyon... Se mera vasta hai, Premiyon ka premi, dushmanon ka... Dushman, 80 Saal ki mura tak, maine , 20 saal ki ladkiyon ke saath Hero bankey.. acting ki hai ( Dev is my name, Dev Anand(in a drawl) I have relation to beautiful girls, even at 80 I acted with 20 year old girls as a Hero of a Bollywood Film) I'm Great Gambler sometimes, Jewel Thief on other, Prem Pujari or Guide, I keep changing roles, but so do heroines, and they become younger and younger as I grow Older.. Barrack Obama can never match or catch me Samjhey.. (Understood in a drawl)

Jobs:Dev, Development or @ Dev <> Void , thats a vb command, I'm sure you don't know this Dev, I said this not long ago!!!

As individuals, people are inherently good. I have a somewhat more pessimistic view of people in groups. And I remain extremely concerned when I see what's happening in our country, which is in many ways the luckiest place in the world. We don't seem to be excited about making our country a better place for our kids.  Quote
                         That is exactly WHAT, I said , and THAT IS EXACTLY I MEAN !!!

                  Looks like We need Barack Obama UP here in Heaven. because he keeps all jobs in America, he has this thing against you Indians, No Jobs to India, and he is dictating terms even how to run India Man!!!

Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected. Quote

The Best Thing about Obama is he keeps America              
Romney gives it to Cayman island. ,


  He is also the only guy who can tell Indians THIS

US President Barack Obama had on Sunday flayed India for "prohibiting" foreign investment in key sectors like retail but admitted that India was still growing at an impressive pace HERE

Dev Anand:  But what does he think? These Indians are Smart Alecs Barack dude stop it I say, they aren't Afghanistan, or Iraq, or Libya. They own all Potels, corner shops, Dhaba's, Balti shops, even in South and North Pole. Only JP Morgan could make hell lotta money and then go bust.!!!

Jobs: Fear of America Dude , I wish I had an iPhone, one call to 911 and you'd be in Guantanamo Bay facility

Late Dara Singh

Dara Singh:In Punjabbi  Kyun ji ( why Sir) , Tussi Sadde Munde noon kyon preshaan kardene? ( Why are you troubling my boy? Maan Jao tussi, warna , Sir ke Uppar rakh ke patkanga dharti tey ( You better behave, else I will lift you over my shoulders and throw you on the Floor)

Jobs: Who are you Tall Indian, no wonder you look strong and handsome, but you are Dead now man!!! AND You can't do anything to an American, No Indian ever can, rather no one on the Earth can even touch anything American! Did you Get that ?

Dara Singh Sir, you are sure, you are not AFRAID OF ANYTHING IN THE GALAXY ?

Steve Jobs: Man, WHAT THE Effing frigging Eff!!! why does every Indian use the name of Android and Samsung galaxy ? I am afraid of Androids, Galaxy and Micromax. and yes, the courts which throws out our patent suits. Will you frigging tell me who the eff are you Man?

Dara Singh:Sire, I am Late Dara Singh,I used to drink milk from Buckets, and drank Ghee from Jugs. I am the  Jat Rustom-e-Hind World Champion wrestler from India. I fought 200 matches and never ever lost. Once I lifted King-Kong who was 200 kg over my shoulders and threw him on The Mat, that made me World Freestyle wrestling champion.

Jobs: (Laughs unctrollably) Rofl Mao, I have heard of Khali from WWF thats it! Now Stop Joking Dude, I'm not beleiving your effing boasts, do you GET THAT?

Daras Singh:Lifts Steve Jobs up, takes him over his shoulders, then  his head, rotates him thrice, then with a BANG, throws him on the hard floor of Heaven. :-)

Steve Jobs: Writhes in pain, gets up from the floor, tears rolling from his eyes onto his cheeks, I'M SORRY DUDE, I WILL NEVER EVER FIGHT YOU.

Whispers " They all the Country Bumpkins are selling Veggies & shouting, that some King Kong and Dara Singh wrestling match is going to take place :-) "

Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we've done something wonderful, that's what matters to me. Quote

This place looks/feels like Birmingham and Southhall, East London
Chicago, Tornto, Durban
San Jose California

Heaven has turned into Silicon Valley

Wherever you look you see Indians

Thank God 

George Harrison is still alive because had he been there,
 He'd  have started 
Transcendental Meditation with 
Maharishi  Mahesh Yogi

I want to hear  that song
Tears in Heaven 
You ?
This is a purely fictional Gag
written by me
after demise of many stalwarts of Indian sport, music and Bollywood
Of course with full respect of one of the most famous
Commercial Innovator
Steve Jobs :-)
Wherever the word " Quote " is used
the same is copied verbatim 
Is Tears In Heaven
Eric Clapton
Who incidentally looks so much like Steve Jobs
At Madison Square Gardens LIVE 1999

There are more quotes from this great innovator & one of the greatest marketing genius that
ever was born

Every Pre-Launch Ad
Every Launch Adress
is remembered verbatim by who ever follows technology
on Computers and Mobile Technology

Monday, July 16TH, 2012

No comments:

Post a Comment